A long time coming

My apologies friends for being so long in sending another review your
way. Haven't felt up to writing in quite a while. With that said here
is my ( rather short, long overdue ) review of The Road.

For man so loved his son, he gave himself.

"No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes. So, he whispered to the sleeping boy. I have you."
The Road is, perhaps the greatest love story ever written. The story of a man ( played to perfection by Viggo Mortenson ) and his son, who he ( arguably ) loves more than God loved Jesus, moving through this post apocalyptic country to the coast.

The Road is a film filled with empty cities
and barren country sides. These empty
spaces fight the characters at every
turn, for the camera's attention and their lives. This is a film
that takes some getting used to because of the immense sadness
that fills every iota of the screen. But once you do, it carries you
away on an epic journey to find any remaining life on this
planet that God has forgotten.

That being said, this film contains some of the most striking
images you will ever see. The land is naked, stripped of its
vibrant greens and blues, replaced with muddy grays and
browns. These however, because of the perfect cinematography,
are almost made to look picturesque. As though the characters
are traveling through a modern day decrepit Wonderland.

The film is a great character study on people after civilization
has gone away. Every person in the movie exhibits a great
loneliness, whether traveling in a pack or marching alone down
abandoned roads and through lifeless fields. There is a sort of
deadness in their eyes "You forget what you want to remember,
and you remember what you want to forget" When they meet an
old blind man on the road ( beautifully embodied by Robert Duvall )
he tells them about his son who seems more than a lifetime away
and how he simply exists moving onward with no hope. The Man
( Mortenson ) asks "Do you ever wish you would die?" The Old
Man replies "No. It's foolish to ask for luxuries in times like these. "

I will not ruin the ending but suffice it to say, it is bittersweet both
for the characters and us, the viewers. That being said, it is truly
the only way one could expect it to end, with the past and the future
behind them, what is left?

Dead On Arrival

This is not my review, it is the review of my friend Daren, who
is well versed in the hatred of bad movies. This fits into the
worst movies of the decade so here it is, unaltered.

Twilight, directed by Catherine Hardwicke (the semi-famed
director of Thirteen) is the new vampire franchise taking the
nation by storm, but this blood sucking franchise just plain
old sucks. Twilight is based off the enigmatically popular young
adult book series where a girl loves a vampire and trouble ensues.
Bella (Kristen Stewart) is new to a small town where it constantly
rains and where she meets a nice pale, not so young man named
Edward (Robert Patterson) who reveals himself to be a vampire
when he uses his vampire powers to save her life. I can’t speak on
the books, but the film fails in every department.

The first problem I have with this movie is classifying its genre. If
Twilight is supposed to be a romance, I fail to feel the love.
Edward tells Bella that he loves her because she smells tasty and
he can’t read her mind, so he stalks her and admits to sneaking
into her bedroom to watch her sleep. What part of this sounds
romantic? Lex Luther and Superman had more romantic chemistry
than these two; not once is there a scene where you feel these two
characters bond. The interaction between these two ranges from
vicious interrogations to obvious stalking. Literally the only
compliment that I remember Edward giving is when he tells her she
smells irresistible. Why is Bella’s self esteem so low? What is it that
makes her think she can’t do better than the pale, socially awkward
stalker who wants to eat her?

The acting in this film is atrocious and among the worst I’ve ever
witnessed. Kristen Stewart is a complete eyesore at best. Stewart
either grunts or mumbles all of her dialogue which is accompanied
with these strange facial tics, making Bella seem like she’s brain
damaged, stoned and constipated all at once. Patterson is much of
the same minus the tics. Did Hardwicke give these two Ex Lax and
NyQuil before shoving them in front of the camera? The bad acting
doesn’t stop with the headliners- it trickles down to the entire
supporting cast. The acting from Bella’s school friends seems so
unnatural. They laugh too hard at unfunny jokes, or are too angry
in certain scenes. They’re just too much of everything. These
characters have too much emotion which is the exact opposite of
Stewart and Patterson who seem too devoid of emotion. The acting in
this movie was bad but it doesn’t help when you have an awful script.
Bella’s school mates are only a little less creepy than Edward.
They’re obsessed with her from the moment she sets foot on
campus, but unlike Edward who wants to suck her blood, they want
to suck her dry of her free time. They’re the people you avoid by
answering non-existent phone calls.

Twilight seems just bad the first time through, but the second time
enduring this diarrhea mess of a movie you ask yourself a lot of
questions. Why does this teacher have a fan in his classroom on a
cloudy, rainy day in the middle of march? Why does everyone think
those pale kids who never talk to anyone are so cool? Did that fire just
start itself? Why does Bella seeing a barefoot corpse get her to
figure out that Edward is a vampire? Do vampires eat shoes? I could
list a billion examples that display a lack of common sense and
attention to detail in both the writing and directing.



There are so many things that baffle me in this movie but the
one that confuses me the most is I can’t call Edward a vampire.
Unless you’re Amish, you’ve heard about some kind of vampires
whether it be Blade or at least Count Chocula. Vampires have rules
and weaknesses which Twilight seems to throw out the window.
Vampires are super strong and fast. Though Twilight gets this right, it
fails at everything else. Normally vampires have to drink human blood
in order to stay alive, but not in Twilight. Deer blood can do just fine.
Vampires in Twilight have a total lack of weaknesses-so much for garlic
and wooden stakes. The only way to kill a vampire is by tearing him
apart and burning the pieces. The biggest problem I have with the
vampires of Twilight is that they sparkle in sunlight; they don’t burn,
they sparkle. I can’t call them vampires because none of things that
apply to vampires apply to them-they don’t even have fangs. Imagine
if I made a football movie and the players used tennis rackets.
That’s the equivalent of what Twilight is doing with vampire folklore.
They’re not vampires, they’re deer hunting fairies.

Twilight isn’t all bad. We could use this movie as an in-class
educational video to show future directors on how not to ruin your
career, which is what happened to Catherine Hardwicke who was
fired from making the sequel because of her disastrous performance.
This film is a waste of time, and should be avoided at all costs.
Viewers beware.

69 Reasons ( Give Or Take ) Why Superman Returns Sucks So Hard.

It was a rainy summer's day, I held a free pass in my hand not knowing
what mind boggling nonsense I was in for. My literal words coming out
were " I payed nothing for that movie and I want my money back. " This
is not a normal review. I'm literally going to try listing 69 reasons ( give
or take ) for this film to be sent to the death camp of tolerance.

1. First of all, there is no character development in this movie. Period.

2. Acting in Superman goes from completely muted and lifeless (
Superman himself ) to Lex Luthor ( Kevin Spacey trying his best to
upstage Jim Carrey's performance in Batman Forever ), Frank
Langella's talent was wasted albeit the only bit of sun in this
Kriptonian subterfuge.

3. We know from the first Superman that Krypton was destroyed so,
him going there to see for himself is weak at best. Plus, depending on
the limits of his vision, he could see Krypton from quite a distance
therefore, making his trip shorter.

4. He has been gone for five years and nothing negative has happened
i.e. Wars, gang warfare, and/or villains taking over the city. It is an
indisputable fact that something negative would've happened.

5. This movie takes place five years after the last, so it would be logical
to assume that the characters would have progressed in age but, of
course this movie gets it wrong.

6. Lex Luthor steals a family's fortune by marrying the matriarch and
waiting for her to die. This is not a particularly evil scheme by any
standard and the only thing he really gets use out of is the random
brand new boat she has tethered to her mansion. Lame sauce!

7. Lois Lane writes an article " why the world doesn't need Superman
" which, in the first place is simply a bad plot device and the fact that
she wins a Pulitzer!?! is perhaps the dumbest thing ever.

8. The humor is quite possibly the worst part of this crapfest. It is as if
Clark is trying to outdo all of the three stooges at once. All of the
verbal humor panders to fan boys so much it hurts, forcing a cringe
at every turn.

9. Lois is a complete dunce. Superman returns to find her engaged to
Perry White's nephew. She has been engaged for almost as long as
Superman has been gone. But has not gotten married for the sake of
the plot and not for a logical reason.

10. Do we really need a flashback of him discovering his powers? Maybe
for a complete reboot of the series but not for this excuse of a film.

11. Lois has a kid who appears to be the most brittle of children.
He looks easier to break than a Kit Kat bar. I'm surprised he isn't
kept in a bubble with an oxygen mask on his person 24/7. More on
him later.

12. Lex Luthor somehow completely randomly knows that if you
drop one crystal from the Fortress of Solitude into water it creates
an island?!? Way to go logic team.

13. Why oh why did they feel the need to destroy a miniature of a
town and make a grand spectacle of it? Why did said town exist in
the basement of the mansion?

14. What is the most cliche thing about Superman? What could we
go the rest of our lives without seeing? " Truth, Justice and the
American way?" No! What are you unpatriotic? The single most
cliche thing of course is, an airplane. And the airplane scene in this
movie is unforgivable. I defy you to find a physics professor that will
back the proceedings that occur here."But ( you say ) this is only a
movie." True, however that does not mean that real world physics
don't apply. Superman himself is a different story ( I will address his
inconsistencies later ) he does go against things like gravity and Mach
3 speeds.

15. There are several reasons why this movie sucks so hard involving
the flight scene. I will take them on one at a time. The first reason is
the fact that at the inaugural launch of a space shuttle there wouldn't
be any press on board. For obvious reasons.

16. If NASA was under blackout then the whole country would be
because, an EMP is like a bubble, so by the time it reached Florida it
would also have reached the mid west and almost gotten to the West
Coast.

17. The shuttle is connected to the plane by three clamps. When the
EMP has passed the clamps do not release. This is NASA we're talking
about, not some Cuban missile launch. There would be some sort of
plan B if not C, D, and E. NASA would be able to shut down their power
from the ground.

18. If we are to believe that this wave of "whatever" can take out the
systems of one plane then it would take out the systems on every
aircraft within the same radius. Meaning a lot of crashing planes and
hundreds, no, "thousands" of deaths because Superman can't save
everyone.

19. The launch countdown continues with the astronauts and NASA
unable to override the launch sequence and when it's boosters
activate it merely burns the tail of the plane. If this had really
happened, the shuttle would have broken it's restraints and/or ripped
off the top of the 777.

20. The shuttle pulls the 777 towards space at which point all of the
passengers get thrown back into their seats and Lois goes flying into
the side of the plane. Realistically, most of the people would have
broken necks at this point and most certainly everyone would have
by the end of the flight.

21. When Superman catches up with the plane, it is up to if not in the
mesosphere, where it would have burnt to a crisp. Not to mention the
fact that a regular plane couldn't survive the speed.

22. Superman detaches the shuttle by using his heat vision, but when
it comes undone, it does not rocket off into space like it should and in
the time it takes for him to " guide it into space the speed difference
would have been so great that he wouldn't still be standing on
the plane.

23. The 777 is so high that the oxygen masks that fall would have
been of no use for the people on board because they would've blacked
out by then. And, Lois survives the whole trip without one. No! Bad
Bryan Singer!

24. When the shuttle has been detached the plane goes into a straight
dive, Lois gets tossed a few more times around the plane for good
measure. Ever seen Vanilla pudding with Raspberry sauce? Yeah,
that would've been her face.

25. When Superman grabs the plane to steady it, every person on
board goes head first into the back of the seat in front of them. At the
speed that it happens they would all have suffered major lacerations
if not the clean snapping of their necks.

26. Superman catches up with the front of the plane and tries to stop
it from crashing. The camera pans down a few thousand feet to a
stadium where a baseball game is in progress. The player at bat hits
a pop fly and the crowd looks up notices the plummeting plane and
just sit there! Now keep in mind, Superman has been gone for five
years, so these people cannot possibly expect him to save them. There
should have been a mad rush out of there but no, everyone has
become brainless since the Son of Krypton has left them to fend for
themselves.

27. Make no mistake , Lois Lane would've been taken directly from
there to the city morgue, but all she does is faint and slide down the
inflatable slide where she lays looking cute and unconscious.

28. The rock that comes out of the floor in the basement is gray, the
rock that come out of the ocean is black. Why the different colors?
And no, it's not the Kryptonite.

29. Lois, a Pulitzer nominee asks how many F's there are in catastrophic! Really?

30. It must be a pastime on Krypton because stalking is his favorite
thing to do in this film.

31. Superman flies into space to listen to the city at night
unfortunately for him there isn't any sound it space. Also, there are
lead particles in the atmosphere thus detracting his sight.

32. He is completely motionless in space and his cape is blowing in a
non-existent wind.

33. A bank is being robbed. The robbers have a helicopter on the roof
ready to fly them away but instead of leaving they take the time to set
up a crane with a mini-turret attached to it.

34. Two security guards armed with only pistols make their way to
the roof to take down the robbers even though they can hear the
Police Sirens right outside.

35. Police equipped with sniper rifles and spotlights do nothing when
the robbers moves over the side with the turret. If he were to actually
do that he would be minus one head.

36. At this point, they could still fly away because the cops are only on
one side of the building. Instead they continue to shoot for no reason.
Even after they've taken out all of the cops.

37. The guards come out on the roof and shoot at the gunner, all of
their bullets aimed at his back when they could clearly see he was
wearing a vest.

38. They shoot him 12 times but he doesn't have any lasting damage.
Any person that has gotten shot in a vest would tell you it hurts a lot,
so much so that you just want to kind of lay there until the pain goes
away. This man got shot 12 times, he would not be standing and he
would probably piss blood for a week.

39. When he goes to shoot the guards Superman gets in the way and
all of 100 50cal. bullets bounce off of him and do exactly zero damage
to the environment.

40. When the robber sees that the mini gun is overheating he takes
out his pistol to shoot him. Now, this is Metropolis were talking about,
any undesirable character knows about Superman. They know he is
impervious to bullets and even if he didn't know who Superman was
( if he was just off the boat for instance ) he should have the
commonsense to know something is amiss.

41. And the whole time this is happening the other robbers never once
try to fly away.

42. Lex goes to the Metropolis museum and once again randomly
knows that there is Kryptonite in the building.

43. Lex messes with Kitty's car so that the brakes don't work. This I
suppose is a distraction so he can rob the museum but it is an
unnecessary one because he takes out the power so the alarm doesn't
sound.

44. The car keeps going for about two minutes even though she
crashes into so many things a complete stop would have taken
place long before.

45. When her car is floating above the people it is brown. The actual color is blue.

46. When Superman sets the car down it isn't on anymore but he didn't turn it off.

47. Superman is seen on the news all around the world. That is simply
ridiculous, it's as if were to assume he's the only superhero in the
world. Since when did he develop a Christ Complex?

48. Lex gets let out of prison because Superman isn't there at the
appeal!!! How could they possibly let him go? Why wasn't he in there
for life without parole?

49. When Lex gets the rock with the Kryptonite it isn't much bigger
than a coconut. The Kryptonite itself was bigger than the rock.

50. When Lois and Richard are talking, Superman's hearing sounds
filtered, though he is only a few desks over and there isn't any solid
barrier between them.

51. Superman says that astronomers found Krypton though, they
couldn't have known it was Krypton.

52. Why did Lois go directly to the boat, not the house and what
kind of parent is she too take her son with her?

53. Why does Lex have a room for his wigs on a boat when he lives
in the mansion at the top of the hill?

54. Miranda rights shouldn't matter in this universe. If they did
than no one Superman ever brought in could be convicted for a
crime. So Lex mentioning them doesn't make any sense because
he was convicted and sentenced.

55. She asks him if he had anything to do with the blackout.
Come on!

56. Lex proposes an island or small country that he will rent out
to people who want a nice view of the ocean. There are so many
things wrong with this idea I can't even think of them all. In doing
this he would destroy our economy and subsequently any country
that relies on us, by the way, that's pretty much everyone. He isn't
creating new land so much, as he is moving water around. He will
create less land than he destroys. Control of the island would
not be allowed him by the rest of the world.

57. His defenses from the world are crystals that make more land!
He thinks because he has them no one will attack him.

58. Lois Lane says " Millions will die!" He interjects " No! Billions! "
If we are to believe that this movie is a modern one meaning it is
supposed to represent the current year ( 2006 ) there is no way
he would kill 2 billion people.

59. Luthor holds the Kryptonite right in front of Her son's face
and he suffers no negative effects. This is the same kid that
needs an inhaler to exist.

60. Why is Lex having this videotaped? It proves he's guilty.

61. The password for Lois's computer is Superman.

62. The power goes out on the ship before the canister has opened
and the crystal has touched water.

63. The crystal begins to expand but there is no reason why the
Kryptonite would as well.

64. If a shard of the crystal took out " the entire East Coast " then
an entire crystal would take out the power in several countries. The
blackout would also last far longer.

65. Luthor told his henchman not to let them escape, he did not tell
him to beat the crap out of her and try to kill her.

66. The kid pushes a piano into the henchman cementing what we
already knew, he's Superman's son. Now, there is not enough space
on this website to talk about why that is impossible so, I'll keep it
to one sentence. Think of His penis as a shotgun and Lois as a
pheasant and you'll get the idea.

67. When the earthquake happens, it effects more people than
Superman can possibly save but the movie only depicts the people
he saves.

68. The gas line catching on fire takes the flame more than one way
under the city. Superman only follows it in one direction. Superman
then gets ahead of the flame and blows it away from a chemical
plant. The problem here is, his breath couldn't extinguish the
flame, or stop the flow of gas, just send it in another direction.

69. The globe on top of the Daily Planet falls off minutes after the
earthquake has stopped. The base cracks right before it falls and
not while the quake is happening.

70. Superman sets the globe down on top of a car damaging private
property.

71. Luthor's boat is in the turbulent ocean and it doesn't move an inch.
And no, there is no anchor.

72. Lois get hit on the head with a 150lb steel door with the force of
a sizable wave behind it. She would be dead, no argument.

73. When Superman checks Lois's vitals he doesn't check her head,
the spot where she got crushed.

74. If he's weak when there's no Kryptonite poking up, he
wouldn't be able to move around/when he walked up the steps
when it was.

75. Lex stabs him with the Kryptonite then, breaks it off inside
of him. This is a crystal we're talking about, not a carrot. He could
not break it so easily.

76. If Superman had Kryptonite inside of him there would be
no standing up, he would pass out rather quickly.

77. Once again, he would have a lack of consciousness, a chance of him
surfacing there would not be. If he was by some miracle awake
his strength would be completely tapped out, no power for swimming.

78. Richard couldn't have landed the amphibious water craft because
of the choppiness of the waves. It would have capsized.

79. Superman goes back to Kryptonite island right after he's just had a
large shard of it pulled out of him but he makes an immediate recovery
without the use of the sun.

80. The door on the plane is open but there is barely any movement of
the character's clothes or hair.

81. Superman is lifting the island from the bottom so, why is the top
completely falling apart and only where they are?

82. Kitty drops the crystals out of the chopper. Because of the
destruction, she would cause them to fall in the ocean.

83. He's lifting the island into the air and Kryptonite dildos are
forming all around him. Can you say raped in the face.

84. He guides it into space. Not possible. It would break apart into a
million pieces because of the the atmospheric pressure

85. Superman has survived the whole ordeal with Kryptonite still
in him.

These are only the top 69 ( give or take ) reasons why you should
experience the letdown for yourself. After all, misery loves company.

Time for the worst

There are certainly enough best of lists to go around ( there is one
right below ) however, "worst of" lists are nowhere to be found. So to
start the new decade off properly, I will post reviews of the worst
( these movies are beyond forgiveness ) in the weeks to come.